Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

I Could Not Cry For A Year, I Was In Shock!

Today marks the 11th anniversary since I lost my mother, 'Anniversary'?, is that even an appropriate word? I'm not celebrating her passing, I'm mourning it. So what do I call it? I could just say, today marks the 1lth year since I lost my mother? Yeah that sounds better. In no way do I want anyone to think I'm celebrating. On the contrary, I feel very much alone. Now you know I had to write a blog in memory of her, and this is it. I'm not sure what I'll talk about, so this will be one of those random type posts, where I just talk about whatever is in my mind. And today has been her.

We went out and did a little grocery shopping, there was some good sales, mom would be proud of me. When we did our shopping back in the day, we use to plan our route, from the farthest store to the nearest one, and do our shopping that way, and we did use coupons, not as much as I do now. Wish I did though. But it was like a day event lol. They seemed so long. I loved those days to be quite honest, it's those regular type days that you miss. I miss her laugh, gosh she was always the serious type, much like me. But when I was able to make her laugh, she had such a great laugh. I felt her love so strong during those times. Gosh I hated arguing with her, or having her mad at me, I just couldn't stand it. I couldn't cope, in the sense that, I needed her to forgive me, or something to that effect. So that I knew things were 'Okay' between us. Which was most of the time. I was what you called a 'mommy's girl', I'm proud of it, I loved her so much, I was always with mom.

So why the title of the post? Well, the reason I chose it, is because it's a true statement. I remember the day they came home from the hospital, and my little brother came to me. I stayed home with his kids while they went to see mom. He came, dropped to his knees, and said 'Moms gone', oh my god, I feel the pang in my heart, I can feel the tears well up in my eyes, as I recall it. At the time, I just couldn't feel anything. I believe, I instantly went into shock. I hugged my brother, I could hear my niece and youngest nephew crying, my oldest nephew Michael didn't really react, he was very close with my mom as well, he always held in his feelings. Honestly as God as my witness, I couldn't cry, I went to bed, I didn't cry. I thought about my mother, but I just couldn't cry. I didn't understand why? At her wake, I didn't cry, even when I seen my father cry. I was just like a stone, just staring.

I finally went up to the casket and looked at her, at first I said to myself, "That does not look like my mother!!" they did a horrible job, it wasn't my mother. I noticed some embalming fluid kind of leaking out of the corner of her mouth. That made me so angry, I wanted to yell at someone, hit someone, get someone fired, for making her look like someone I didn't recognise, but I didn't I stood still and just looked at her. I didn't cry, I didn't move, I didn't do anything, just stood there looking at her, not really believing what I'm looking at. Then my eyes moved from her mouth, to her chin, then down to her shoulder, and then down to her hands, and I looked at them, I touched them, they felt cold. But I recognised her hands, she had freckles on them, and I remembered them, because I always use to hold her hand all the time, she got annoyed but I couldn't help it. I'm a touch feely type person, you can ask William lol. I so loved holding her hand, I felt so much love from my mom.

I had to take a moment. The memories they just ... felt so real, like I was re-living it.

I think I want to stop here. I have so many great memories of my mother. I know she won't be around for when I get married, or have kids. But I had some awesome years with her, I know she loved me, and I have that to take with me forever.

Don't Be Such A Big Tease!

Did Mother Nature fool us again? Just when you thought, 'Wow Spring is here', we get hit with cloudy days, cold nights and possibly some rain! Come on my dearest Mother Nature, give us a some warm sunny days. I'm sure they will come eventually, but how about now? Don't be a big tease! Seriously, just when I'm telling William, "Heck yeah I'm ready for some BBQing", then suddenly the weather changes. I put on a sweater, close the windows and I'll probably pop on the heater so I stay warm! What a disappointment. I know what you are thinking? Why can't she just be patient? I don't have an answer!! Okay yes I do, and I already gave it in this post lol, but I will try to be a bit more patient *puts on sweater*

I know the weather out here in Massachusetts, is going to be chilly, because the air is dry, and I get zapped every time I touch a metal surface, and at times it's not even only a metal surface it can be another person or a light switch, although I have to say it's only on the first touch, but the anticipation of the zap is crazy. Do you know how annoying being zapped feels like? Seriously really annoying, I have long hair, I have to put it up, so it don't attract or catch the electrical charge in the air. I yearn for the sunny days. I know I complain about the humidity, but if I had a choice, I think I'd go with humidity over electric charge, I think?

After looking around the internet, I come to realise that I am not the only one this happens to, yay?! Why am I saying 'yay'? Oh maybe for the fact that I'm happy that I'm not the only one that is living with this. Not that I wish it on other people, because it is no fun, having to think about what you are going to touch before touching it!! It's absolutely terrible!! If it doesn't happen to you, then try going about your day, thinking about what your hand is about to touch, and whether you will get a good static charge zap out of it or not, lol.

Ok that's it for me, have a great weekend, with or without sun!

Days of Truth - Day 19: What Do You Think of Religion? Or What Do You Think of Politics?

30 Days Of TruthI'm not even sure how to start this, I would like to touch on both subjects, but I will just get angry and go on a rant which I don't want to do. Quickly, Politics sucks, Politicians, they are all crooks one way or another, enough said. Whatever, I'm not going any further into that.

As for religion, well what can I say? There are many of them. I was baptised Catholic, am I practicing? No. Why? Well I can't say I don't believe in things, because I do. When I say things I mean Heaven and Hell, it does exist, some think we are living in it, but I don't think we are. I think Hell is much much worse than this. Heaven? I have no clue, I don't try to imagine either any more. When I was a kid I did. I was a devoted Catholic, well mainly because of the parents, they took us to church did all that stuff. Then it slowed down, probably because my parents life got so busy with work, and trying to keep a roof over our 5 heads and food in our little mouths, that they didn't have time for church. Or was it that? I'll never know. I don't really talk to my father, and my mother passed away ... it will be 12 years on Sunday, god rest her soul, (I got a little religious there hey?) Well see there you go.

A lot of tragic things wouldn't be happening if there was no religion, don't you think? I think so. Imagine what the world would be like if there was no religion? Would it still be like it is, would people hate based on religion, well no of course not there wouldn't be a religion silly. But there would be something replacing religion, like Color? Size? Nationality? Gender? Heck these people (and I mean every single one of us) will find something to hate for. And that is just a sorry thing to say or think, but it's true.

Look at the world now? Look at whats happening? Economy has gone to shit, gas prices are soaring high, kids are killing kids, parents are killing kids, what the hell is happening? Maybe it's the beginning of the apocalypse, at least that is what some religious followers say. What do I think? I think that can be the case, if something doesn't change soon. I know I got off topic a little, but in a way I didn't because it's all got something to do with it.

I don't believe in some of the things that are said in the bible and for that reason, is why I can't really say I am a devoted Catholic, I won't change religions, I was born one, i'll die one. I often wonder, how people come to some conclusions, based on what is in the bible, is it even true? Was it made up from the beginning? Perhaps those that made it up (if it was made up) believed so strongly in what they made up, that it just spread like wild fire, hmm I don't know. My sister is gay, and according to the bible she is damned, why? Because she loves someone of the same gender, heck love is love for damn sake!! I think there are a lot worse people than her in this world, that should truly burn in hell. Ever since my sister came out, and sure at first I didn't understand, but I opened my mind to it, and I did understand. I love my sister for who she is, brave enough to be herself, and not let anyone tell her who she should love or not love.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0p6lVdtGKI[/youtube]

I found this video, and thought it to be interesting, thought I would share it with the public. With that said, that's all for me now. Have a great day!